As soon as Asada came into view, its verdant expanse seemed to draw Jonathan’s gaze like a magnet. Images of luscious forests and crystal-clear lakes flooded his mind, stirring memories of a peace he had almost forgotten existed. The vice-like grip constricting his chest loosened, allowing him to breathe for the first time in weeks.

He barely perceived the conversation around him, barely noted how the Captain ordered to hail the powered-down Givens, and barely cared when the comms told him that there was no reaction – it all felt like a dream, like he was only half paying attention to someone else’s story unfolding before him.

A sharp ‘Commander Keller!’ from Brennan, just a few feet away, pulled him back to reality.

His jaw clenched as he gave a nod, and he strode purposefully toward the tactical station.  Focus, he thought to himself, furrowing his brows in concentration as he willed his gaze to focus on the readout, and his brain to parse the information it revealed.

It took longer than he cared to admit.

“Sir, with no lifesigns… we have to assume that something happened. And that the crew is dead.”, he said eventually, still not fully there. 

“I don’t want to believe that.”, said Ceix firmly. There was an undercurrent of pain he couldn’t quite hide. Keller… understood. He knew of the friendship between the Given’s Commanding Officer and Ceix, and that it wasn’t just another lost ship to him. He clenched his first, focussing on the sensation of fingernails digging into skin. It grounded him. 

“Sir, with no lifesigns… we have to assume that something happened. And that the crew is dead.”, he said eventually, still not fully there. 

“I don’t want to believe that.”, said Ceix firmly, and Keller… understood him. He knew of the friendship between the Given’s Commanding Officer and Ceix. His hand curled into a fist, fingernails digging into his palm. The sharp sensation pulled him back from the fog.

It hurt, but it grounded him.

“I understand.”, he said softly, a rare moment of vulnerability. “I propose to send away teams to both vessels. If there is any way of finding out what happened, this is the quickest way to do it. If there are survivors, it is also the fastest way of finding them.”

Pereira gave a thoughtful nod, before asking “What about Biohazards?”

Keller frowned, realizing that – clearly – he wasn’t full there yet. 

Keller frowned. Pereira’s question was a painful reminder of his distracted state. Focus, he chided himself. “Good point, Lieutenant,” he admitted. “We’ll prepare for that. I want Lieutenant Una to lead one of the teams. She’s proven her reliability time and time again. I trust her.”

“Agreed.”, nodded Ceix. 

Keller turned to leave the bridge, his mind already focussed on assembling teams, when Brennan’s voice interrupted him yet again. 

“But before you do, I want to talk to you.”

She didn’t sound as angry as she had the right to be – as he would have been in her position. 

He knew he had overstepped with his earlier comment, and, lately, he’d been overstepping a lot. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Even now, a snide remark sat at the back of his throat, waiting for him to make the mistake of opening his mouth, and he pressed his lips into a thin line to keep it there.

His gaze drifted back to the planet on the view screen, the vibrant greens and blues, and for the first time, he wondered if it was time to acknowledge that maybe… maybe Starfleet wasn’t right for him anymore.

He gave a nod, and followed Brennan into the ready room, feeling both heavier, and more determined, with each step. 

((Ready Room, USS Callisto))

The door slid shut behind them with a soft hiss. Brennan turned, ready to speak, but Keller beat her to it.

„I am sorry, Commander.“, he said, the words spilling out before they had fully formed in his mind, but he meant them. They were unpolished, unprepared, raw, and honest.  “I … tried. I really did. I see the Counselor regularly, I take time off, but… I don‘t think I am coming back from this.”

Brennan lowered her gaze and exhaled, then gestured for Keller to follow her to the conference table. He reluctantly took a seat. 

“I understand.”, she said slowly. “But I think you just need… more time. Ricarda’s death was only a few months ago, it wouldn’t be fair of any of us to expect you to move on as if nothing happened.”

“I tried.”, Jonathan sighed and shook his head. “The truth is… I haven’t felt a single moment of happiness since I returned from the Cupertino. Work is an escape, but always short-lived.” His voice was heavy with resignation and grief. “Once we return to DS17, I will hand in my resignation.“ 

What followed was a long silence. Saying it out loud had made the thought heavier, more real, as if he had just crossed a line he couldn’t step back from. 

Brennan’s expression softened. 

“Is there anything I can do?“, she asked. 

Keller shook his head. “No, I don‘t think so. But until then, I will do better. Neither you nor anyone else deserves to be the outlet to my frustration.“

“No, they should not,” Brennan agreed. “But you’re not alone in this. Perhaps a different counselor would make sense – and some time off.”

He nodded slowly, more out of politeness than agreement. He didn’t want to dismiss her ideas, but in his heart, he knew he was already beyond that.

As Brennan spoke, his mind drifted to a quiet place somewhere far away from the noise and pressures of Starfleet. Somewhere he could finally mourn Ricarda without interruption. Somewhere peaceful, where he could find the time and space to heal.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to lead an away team.”, Brennan said a moment of consideration. Keller’s heart sank, but he couldn’t pretend that he she was wrong. He just… he wanted to help as long as he was still in a position to do so. 

“I know what I can do, and my judgement isn’t clouded.”, he replied quietly. “If there’s a way to find out what happened to the crew, we can give their families closure. We owe them that much. And knowing… it makes it better.”

Brennan sighed. “I’m sorry, Jonathan. I can’t allow that. And it’s not because I don’t trust your judgement, or your ability. It’s because you… are carrying enough. What happened to Ricarda, and then what happened to the civilians on that shuttle…”

“But I… I want to help.”, Jonathan said, almost pleading now. 

“I know.”, Brennan said softly. “But my decision is final.”

Keller swallowed a lump in his throat. “Then I propose that Lieutenant Sh’shiqil take my place.”

Brennan hesitated, just for a moment. “Hasn’t she mostly been handling security on the Callisto?”, she asked.

“She has. But with her background, I believe she will be more than suitable to lead an away team. She-…”

“Very well.”, Brennan interrupted. “I know her background. And you are right.”

For a moment, Keller wondered why Brennan had hesitated if she was aware. Then, he remembered, that Brennan and Sh’shiquil were… involved. The thought hit him like a punch to the gut, jealousy flaring hot and fast before he could smother it. 

He wanted to lash out, to say something biting and sharp, to let the anger he carried boil over.

But he didn’t. Because he knew that he couldn’t fault others for being happy, just because he was miserable. And he couldn’t fault her for wanting to make sure her loved one was safe.

Instead, he thanked her, and got up. He turned and left the ready room, and, to his surprise, each step felt a little lighter than the last.