“Home. What does that even mean?” Ensign Samantha Soojin is sitting in her quarters, staring out the small window she’s been afforded as a senior staff member. New Year’s Eve was in the throes of celebration onboard the Gagarin. Sam had begged off the various groups celebrating the end of 2401 and steeling themselves for the start of 2402. She’d been sitting at the small desk in her room, thinking of home…and maybe writing her parents. The console beeped at her, reminding her she was recording. “I’ve never really celebrated New Year’s Eve – even though you two always did.” Her relationship with her parents had ended six years ago. They had been angry when she’d emancipated. They’d been furious when she’d refused to follow their directives, wants, and desires for her.

She decided she needed to write this letter, even if she might never send it. There were things left unsaid when she’d walked away from them in 2396. “Honestly – those New Year’s Eve memories…they’re the only good memories I have from us. I knew you wanted what you wanted for me every other day of the year…but that night – you both let go of the lease you were desperate to keep hold of…and we celebrated the year’s changing.”

She pushed up from the desk and began to pace around the living room, “It’s been an interesting six years – the USS Mercy, the Olympic – I found people that felt more like home…more like…the place I belonged.” She stopped at the frame of a drawing over her couch, a quiet smile on her lips. “Here on the Gagarin…I’ve found good people. Friends, even. Sadie Fowler drew me a picture of her memories of home – the orphanage. Some Sisters there have passed, but she keeps up with those left. She’s even doing mentoring sessions with some of the kids. She doesn’t say it, but I think she wants to have kids. Her and Prentice…they’ve held it together – longer than I thought they would.” She felt her throat tighten with her own feelings, pausing for a few minutes. She swallowed, “I know you’re probably asking about my love life after hearing about someone else’s…and truthfully…there’s nobody out here. I mean, there’s Jake Shaw…but he’s…just young and stupid like I used to be.” She grimaced. “You’d tell me I was thinking foolishly, that he was wrong for me…that I need to find a good Korean boy somewhere out here in the rimward…and then come home.”

She grumbled, “But you were never home for me. You wanted Soojin. You wanted obedience. You didn’t want Sam.” She felt tears forming at the edges of her eyes and went silent as her mind worked through the resurgence of her feelings from her childhood. “But what I wanted never mattered. Thankfully I found that out here. Even as I played hopscotch from assignment to assignment, everyone welcomed me in. My old CO, Captain Halsey…he was on the Olympic. Best day of my life finding him outside my quarters. He’s on Montana Station now – and I get to see him when we dock…he’s never lost that warmth and interest in my life. He’s what you could have been for me.”

She stopped pacing and filled a cup with hot cider, “We’re a young crew – it’s helped me feel more at home this year – surrounded by people who understand me and what I feel. You never tried. God, I wish you had tried.” She felt the sob trying to push out of her throat, but she shoved it back down. “I wish I had tried too. I was angry. I was furious. You can’t use reason and logic when both sides would just as soon kill each other. We were an imperfect family behind those decorated walls that hid our sins.” She sipped at her cup, wondering what they were doing tonight. Her memories were crystal clear – games, old Earth movies, and falling asleep to the soft sounds of far-away fireworks. Then, the old conflicts would begin again on the first new day of the new year. “I think about you every few weeks…more and more recently. My friends here talk about their family with a warmth I don’t understand…and only have started feeling recently since joining Starfleet. You’ve cursed me with a long road to recovery…sorting through my feelings while trying to help others sort through their own.”

She returned to the couch, “I know I’ll have to acknowledge you again someday. To accept that you are a part of me. I have a family here on Gagarin…but I also want to find a way to make us work…the family that brought me into the universe. I don’t know what that looks like…but I know I want to find some way to make it work.” She sat, letting the silence hold as her mind contemplated the rest of the evening. “I was invited to spend some time with two friends tonight…I think I’ll go and try something new for New Year’s Eve.” She stood, walking to the door. Should she send the message? Should she save it for later?

“Computer, send the message to my parents.” There was a beep, and it was done. Sam stepped into the corridor and pointed her feet toward her new family.